Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The Way....

Do you feel it? Do you feel the pressure on being turned a diamond out of the dense coal you were born?  Is it just me........ Of course it is not as we are all one. One connected body, being and source. Even when it appears that we are all separate, we are not. This is my belief anyway.

Can I say it hurts ? These growing pains. This constant struggle to bust out of the cocoon. This lack of patience with my ow needed personal growth. Just wanting all the old patterns, childhood stories of pain, certainty that I am nothing ....just wanting it to all go away. It takes the time it takes. And maybe it never really all goes away. It remains a part of the tapestry that is me in this life.

There are good days and bad days, this I know. Yet make the mistake of childishly overexaulting the good and then inevitably descending to the depths of hell as it all goes pear shaped. This is a ride I am exhausted of. How does one live this life and stay in the middle of the wheel as the Buddhists put it. I do not know.

I have come a long way on my path. A long way. And yet it seems at times I have so much farther to go. Moments of incredible certainty, slammed against days of utter uncertainty. The pendulum swings back and forth. With less space covered as in the past. But swing it does with me STILL holding on for dear life.

Holding on, hoping, praying, crying, pleading for a dear life. A dearer one. A kinder one. For me and 
all these around me that I love. Sometimes its here, other times too far to touch.  When it is more than likely always here and it is I that stray. It is I that sabotages it. It is I that fears things being "too good."

No more of this blame game. This is not easy. It takes so much vigilance on my part. I often assume (my first mistake, assuming) it is about someone else. When it is only a mirror. Someone wise said the bigger the reaction, the more personal the material. I am happy that I just remembered that. It resonates with me.

Sometimes something big and ugly must occur to shake me out of my illusion. It is not a kind and gentle path. I seek kinder, gentler ways to grow. Yet it is not and has never been up to me. Even that is a kind of free fall. My ego hates that idea, my soul rejoices in it. 

"If you are irritated by the rub, how will your mirror ever be polished."        Rumi

I sit here between the rooms. In the hallway. One door has closed and the window has yet to be opened. Shall I do as I heard someone say? When you are here, put up some new wallpaper. And see that the window is opening. Slowly as is the process of all growth.

The anger still resides in me. It is a palpable rage that can and has destroyed many things. It dips so deep that it connects to a collective rage that it frightens even me.  My own children have looked at me with fear in their eyes. One need not hit as I never do to evoke this, but we can hit with looks, with connections to that anger that fire off onto an innocent bystanders.  It is nothing to be proud. It is weakness.

I am embarrassed by these feelings that are part of me. I want them to go away but they do not. I can only chip away, moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day and do the best I can. I have apologized too many times to count. I need it to end. Or to be transformed. I pray many days for help. Some things have to be walked through. Hurt as they may.

None is so blind as he who will not see. I am seeing much these days. It ain't pretty, but it is pretty freeing. It is a path towards a different life. A healthier life. A happier life. And a more peaceful life. I see more flaws or cracks in myself than I have ever in the past. I am working to meet them with compassion and love.

It hurts..............a lot............ When I watched a butterfly emerge from a cocoon there was something startling. A sort of red blood came out of it. I touched it and it stained my finger red. The cocoon would shake and shake, then be still for it bit while it rested and built up it strength for the next round. Like the contractions for birthing a baby.

Maybe this is necessary. Maybe it would be too hard on the nervous system to experience it all at once. For ANY living creature on the planet. I am in the midst of this. I just don't know if I am at the beginning, in the the middle or nearing the end. Neither does the butterfly nor the birthing mother. It is natural state anyway.

SO I guess it requires yet another leap of faith. A jump into the void. A free fall with trust that God will take care of it in the best way. In the only way. Like the Buddhists call it, and my man got a tattoo representing it.

The Way.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

In the flaws is the perfection

Good morning Vietnam.....just kidding. It is an amazing time in the world I feel. It is time to keep having this creative sharing and outlet. I am not sure what this post is about but a voice, one of the many inside of me says its a good time to write.  I must begin to write on a weekly basis.

I am excited to be working again as an actress, my former life.  I am doing an arc (which means a few episodes) of the show Magic City on Starz.  My dear friend Mitch Glazer is the writer and creator. His gorgeous wife and partner on almost 20 years Kelly Lynch is on the show as well.  They have the kind of relationship I aspire to.

When I got the call I was ecstatic. I had in fact been praying that a good job would come my way. One with people I loved, I'd even settle for people that I liked, that was a good show. One that I just did a supporting role. I have no desire to carry a show anymore.

I also prayed  that I'd be taken care of on a real set instead of the little jobs of the past few months. Ones where there was not even a space to be alone. Nothing. Sometimes I was reduced to bringing my own clothes and doing my own make up. Sitting in my car with AC blasting to have a private space. Ridiculous.

It takes a lot of the fun out of coming together with adept people in the business and creating something worthwhile. Ego driven people yelling on the set at crew, not feeding people properly, paying them almost nothing. An unwillingness to collaborate. Again, too much ego. That never makes for a good experience.

Having been away from a real set has humbled me so. Now to even have a little space to call my own to prepare, I am so grateful now. Having some turkey on a craft services table, thrilled. A first class airline ticket, what???  People to come together with and help me create a character. I forgot it could be like this.

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for the jobs that came and I got to pay some bills. It is just that without the other things in place, it is really difficult. It does not honor the creative process at all. I mean, not even a small space to be alone???  And makes me feel like I am just whoring....to get the money for my family. But as a dear friend said, whats wrong with whoring to help feed the family.

I have spent much of the past 5 years with my son Christian, getting him therapy for his autism. The business had reflected for years at that point my own rejection of myself so it was a welcome change. Now to go back into the business its been if-y for me .....until this job.

Magic City  give the scripts weeks ahead of time so I can properly prepare. They even got me the entire 1st season so that I would know the tone of the show and assist my entry into this magical world.  They made me a dress. Put extensions in my hair to be correct for the era. My cup runneth over.

I told Mitch that he has pulled me out of the proverbial trash can this town put me in. I , now having more accountability realize as I said earlier. Everything is a mirror and I put myself there. With old, untrue beliefs from my childhood. Things that are finally dying. More specifics in a future blog.

I am grateful for all that has come and gone in my life. Everything. Oddly..... I feel I  learned most from the negative and ugly things. As they showed me parts of myself that somewhere deep inside I still was afraid might be true. That these things will always be a part of the tapestry of who I am is another thing I now accept.  In this acceptance there is so much freedom.

Speaking of whores......my character is based upon a famous Madam from the 40's-50's, Madame Sherri. I read her book. She called herself the Queen of Whoredom, so I have adopted it as my own nickname. Pleasure is my business she would say. IT was also the name of her book.

This is the opportunity for me to have a sort of healing. As with most roles I have played, they seem to always parallel my life. To play a woman of ill repute. A woman who is protective of the innocence she exploits. That in my career I did bring people pleasure. An ownership of my lineage. A healing.

I pray she, Madam Renee or Lady Renee as they call her in Magic City will be layered and people will like her and love her. But if they don't I don't really care because I DO. Maybe for the first time in my 47 years on the planet. I finally can say I DO. TO me and only to me. I finally understand that I am all I ever really wanted. The real me.

And I am perfect just as I am.......