Friday, December 2, 2011

Run, run as fast as you can..........

It is early morning, a little after 8am. Both the children and the man have left. Peace...... Until the gardener arrives blasting outside his blower and echoing through my house. It seems whatever room I go into, they are right outside encroaching upon my this space. As I run from them.

I realize how these sounds are mirroring the madness of my mind and my thoughts of the past 2 days. Relentless. Horribly critical. Condemning. As I run from room to room, I start to laugh between my tears of utter frustration. I am trapped here. I am trapped in my mind.  It is the perfect illustration of what is happening inside.

It seems Rachel and Vicky are here and they WILL be heard. I am bruised and beaten.

God, when I can see the mirror of it all. It does not make it change or hurt less....but I did laugh. And I got outside of myself  for a moment and it looked like a cartoon. Me running around, crazy chichi's barking viciously, the old Lab Leon as well, the sound getting louder and louder and louder.........

The craziness of following the wild trips the mind endlessly takes me on. Without doing anything deeply creative and therapeutic it all gets locked inside of me and turns in on itself. The gift of many years of acting was exploring all my shit. And there is a lot to explore. Discover. Uncover. Recover. This process does not stop until one takes their last breath.

I want to unfold. For where I am filed, there I am a lie.      Rilke

The world is so big and yet it is so small. I judge myself deeply to the core. I don't need your assistance. Thank you.  This is a shallow dive back into expressing through the word. Without a plan or destination in mind. Just a sharing. Love and Light

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

"I just want to be a woman...." I said quietly......

This statement I uttered to myself a few years ago after making love with my man when he went to the bathroom....I just want to be a woman...... It has forever stuck with me as to what did I really mean by it. As I get older and my life allows me to become more and more of that woman, the knowledge deepens inside. It takes root and is beginning to grow a beautiful tree based more on truth than any I have ever lived in my life.

I never as a young person had any desire whatsoever to be in the public eye as many have. In fact, too much attention on me was paralyzing. I had modest aspirations...a hair dresser, a stewardess as they were called then, or the token "marine biologist" that all kids think they what to be at one time or another.

I remember being in a play as a very young girl, maybe 7 or 8 yrs old. It, to date, remains the only play I have ever been in.  Charlotte's Web. No, I did not go up for the lead as my best friend did. I had no desire to actually BE in the play although I adored the book. I think I was assigned a mandatory role and that frightened me beyond belief.

I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was a cat who purred one little line. Only a few words which I cannot remember now. My favorite part was putting the costume together and having my face painted with whiskers. I loved to dress up, what girl doesn't. This is still a fall back costume when I am lazy on Halloween. Clip on two ears, paint a nose and whiskers, throw on a leopard jacket and voila....a cat costume. Either that or curlers with pajamas to which my Myles yells...that's what you always wear!!!!

I remember the awkwardness of my tail being stapled to the behind of my leotard. The auditorium, the seats, all the people. That familiar feeling to this day of "performing" where my heart is beating out of my chest. As it gets closer and closer to the moment when all I had to do was utter a short line starting with a ppuurrrring sound.

Well, I got through it, crouched on all fours as a cat with my back intentionally to the audience and half hidden under a table. The same table that show cased my dear friend in all her Charlotte glory. Ppppuuurrrr..... Thank God, I got the line out....

But I was told that I spoke so quietly that nobody even heard my line. Sad but true. Yet, not surprising to the deepest part of me. Show business was not in my blood, it was my destiny for a time but not something I chose. I am often fond of saying, it chose me.

What did it mean to utter and feel the lightness of just wanting to be a woman after a beautiful connection with my man. I still digest this and shall continue to. But now ....I feel it showed how for so many years of my life I have been a man in a woman's body. This is a problem I feel most women have living in this society.

A stay at home mother is almost a dirty statement. Like the scene in one of my fav films Terms of Endearment. Debra Winger is visiting her friend in L.A. (aka city of LOST ANGELS) and when she tells a group of woman she does not work and stays with her children they look at her as if she is sick. It is brilliant. The entire film is.

Women are not allowed to be just women anymore. In terms that are now seen as old fashioned. And it is to those who have the desire to be just a woman, I speak. The expectations are so high, so cruel, so not as it was intended to be. What about where the woman creates a nest and stays and cares for her babies while her hunter husband collects the food. Caveman, yes. But essential truths, that too.

I also understand that this is not appealing to many women. Some want the career and all. That is fine too. The many faces of truth. But here I only share mine. And my experience of having had a full time career and now being basically a stay at home mother. What a rude awakening it has all been.

How much judgement I too used to have for those who stayed at home. Not realizing how much work there is to do. How much more selfless an act it is. How perfectly beautiful to see each and every "first" of your baby. To know them so intimately. My baby has not left my or his fathers side for the entire 3.8yrs of his life. Even in the hospital, he was never without one or both of us at his side. I take great pride in that. It has been MY pleasure and the gift that my man has given me and our baby. It is admirable and immeasurable in its magnitude as far as I am concerned.

I used to bask in the phrase "single mother". I filled that role as best as I could. While juggling a consuming and self-indulgent career. At the expense of my sweet first born Myles Maximillian having a real mother. He had a mother-father-career person in me. I regret that for him and often tell him. And am thankful that for the past 4 years I have been a permanent fixture in his ascend into adulthood. At times, to his dismay....hehehe....but not really.

All that really drew me into acting beyond the vain ideas of a 19yr old was what my dear teacher, mentor and friend Roy London said:

Like you know that awful childhood you had, this is a place to look at it, share and heal. And that I need to have a more important reason to be there than to "get the jobs. That this work was to ahve the courage exploring things about yourself WHILE you are being filmed, not once you think you have it figured out. To seek, stumble, fall, be lost and found in the next moment...right there on film. And that if
i did not lie.....the camera would not either........

He said so many things but that will be an entire blog or chapter in my book. The man changed my life and still occupies much space in my heart...and photos on the walls of my home though he passed almost 17 yrs ago.

These words and more all struck chords deep & powerful in my soul. He made it appealing in an incredibly challenging way. Not just about being painted and trying to be sexy, as most young ingenues are pushed to do. But to go deep and illuminate your own humanness and your own unique struggle and that would then touch others truths in themselves. God willing. So grateful that such a powerful mission could be placed into my hands. Just some goofy girl from Michigan.

There is also the fact that most of us actors have a deep need to be loved. Well really...who doesn't... But that combined with an arrested development. We usually come from great dysfunction and abuse of one or many forms. Not to feel sorry for most likely is in 90 o/o of people's life experience. It is only to illustrate how that can add fuel to the "get famous" fire. A fire that no amount of fame can put out.

But for me.... in the process.... I lost a lot of myself. Or maybe, its not that I lost myself, it's that it did not allow me discover myself in an organic way as all of these "stories" were put onto me to tell. My pity party....I am grateful and thankful for my opportunities and memories but this is a look back at it all with different eyes.

I can share that even now I have moments of losing it after having been a "working woman" for SO many years, feel lost, listen to the dogma..... But those moments are far outweighed by deep joy in the seeming mundane. Yesterday seeing my baby boy truly learning to swim for the first time. Hearing his words increase daily. Having given so much time, effort and fight to get his autistic needs met through the state.

Therapy with Christian James 5 days a week, reading book after book to get his needs met. Fighting sometimes with the Daddy as I am left to give the quick version and he feels like I am correcting him. And I am but only because I have the luxury of being in all the sessions and reading the books that his hunter, provider man allows us, his family, the family I always dreamed of.

So in those moments when I feel like I should be providing more financially, I remind myself that there are more ways than monetarily to give to a family. And I do so in abundance. Getting back more than anything my career gave me. Real love, a permanence, the joy of knowing I had a direct hand in their life's and the people they are becoming. Things that I cannot even put words cup runneth over.

And just being a woman...well, it seems I am one now. One that does not try to me a man too. As my man fills that role to completion. I never dreamt of acting, I dreamt of a stable family and children to love and raise. A man to love, be my best friend and grow old with. This attention is all I have ever really wanted and needed.

So although it does continue to grow and evolve and has its inherent ups and downs.... I am now....just...a...woman.......

Monday, May 30, 2011

To tweet or not to tweet......

It is strange to see others being or to be directly attacked  online. Any kind of attack is horrible enough. But online is a special kind of ugly as the person hides behind fake names. Some people seem to have nothing better to do with their evenings after work or on their weekends than to wage these blind wars on people they either do not know at all,  maybe thought they knew many, many moons ago or think they know because I had a life in the public eye for almost 30 years.

I have never presented myself here to be anything other than the flawed human being I am. Doing the best I can. And sometimes failing miserably, as we as people  do....  It seems so strange...... if one hates me and thinks me such a vile human being that they still  come to this space, MY space to see what I have to say. I personally stay away from things and people that revolt me. Like I rarely watch the news because it seems all lies designed to keep us all in fear. And do not promote relationships when people do not respect me or my loved or have boundary issues.

It is hard to imagine that anyone would have these feelings.... as I like the rest of the world have low self-esteem. So, no, no one cares that much about me or what I do or write...or could be obsessed???!!! Why??? Isn't life complicated and difficult enough without engaging in this shit. Swimming in this kind of verbal vomit??? It is for me anyway. And hating requires a lot of energy.

 On top of that, it is so destructive to one's own life and the people around them that they  generate this kind of  verbal warfare. I was  always someone in my life who called things as I saw them.  Even if I was wrong. I made a point of sharing MY truth.  This is something that I still do. But I as I am older now I realize that it is just that, MY truth. Not THE truth. For as I am fond of sharing.....Truth has many faces.

And where for me it IS important and essential to share it still.  It is equally if not more important to use kindness in my delivery. And to note when my perspective is not asked for or required at all. It comes  for me from not feeling seen or being heard as a child. So as I grew into my 20's.... I would be heard. Yet aging teaches us, thank God and this is where I am with it now. But it is a constant work in progress.

I had left behind twitter for a bit of time because I was tired of the verbal assaults and endless harassment I received there. A place where I simply hoped to promote my book. And encountered for the most part some incredibly kind birds....  All and all, this experience has actually been a blessing. I have learned so much.    I have had many surprising people and forces come to my aid as this kind of behavior is literally illegal. Not only  on a karmic level, as everything you do comes back to you......... But did you know that EVERYTHING one does online is recorded??!!!  Even if you erase it, there is a record of it.    Any amount of erasing means nothing.....

IN this instance, I don't mind Big Brother...hahaha

My book will be out in the world. And I will not need twitter to promote it. It will be as honest and clear as I have always been here. My power and my voice will not be diminished through lies and venomous attacks of any kind.  Many guardian angels are firmly in place, defending me.  An interesting fact is that I find myself praying for people who commit these acts. Everyday. It must be hard to live with that ugly stuff inside. I, too, have dealt with great rage inside of myself at times. But I worked hard to get to its source not misdirect and project it onto others.

To keep my side of the street clean. This is what I work to do. And will continue.

So look inside when you read my shares.....decide from your own intuition what is real. This IS me, MY blog and the sharing of MY truth. So if you are at all interested THIS is the place to come. Thanks for all the support.

Love and Light....xxxoooxxxooo



Saturday, May 14, 2011

It's a new day......

I cannot teach someone to be more emotionally open and sharing. I cannot make someone come out of their self imposed prison. As  children we are put into these cells. Each bar is painfully built through every day of our lives and the ignorance and abuse of our parents and society.  It grows and grows until the jail is complete. An ugly gray box where light really enters......  A ugly, cold place that we have been condemned to.

The lightness of childhood lost, all at once, one is in their teenage yrs.  At this age they seek to break out but have no tools to do so.  They search for everything from the outside...... So they go deeper  spiraling to their demise. They are more self involved, too self involved . With a strange certainty that they know everything and everyone else is wrong. Bombarded by hormones makes it worse.  They still live in their cell but paint it with delusions and lies in a spectrum of colors. But it is still just the same jail. They have learned nothing of how to get out.

Years pass, layers upon layers of cover are formed. You are dying to see light again. The true connected light that you saw and felt as a child while the cell was still in its beginning stages. You continue the search in all kinds of external places seeking to fill the wrong hole. Left feeling worse than when the journey began, finding nothing......

If one is lucky you start to break out. You look honestly at yourself and your life. You chip away at these bars beginning to have the courage to understand how they were built and by whom. Life assists you by kicking your ass when you stray too far from the truth. You work.... You become someone who as difficult as it is, someone upon who NOTHING is lost.

That means breaking out of the collective lies. Of your lies, of your family, of society as a whole. It is nothing less than a violent break out. You fight those bars, you wrestle them, you saw at them, and slowly one by one they come down. You need only remove a few to escape although you had to live through the torture of each single one being built. A few choice truths being brought to light, the core ones and you can be free.

Then you must share...... You must share your discoveries....... You must be open to your brothers and sisters of the planet. We all learn from one having the courage to actually share their truth. Not shamefully hide it away.  That is living in the cell again after all. Hiding behind those masks.  The days of all of that are done. Change of a magnitude unfathomable is happening now. Jump on board. You will be supported in a way you could never imagine. A multitude of ways......

But it takes intense commitment and courage. Many will be left behind on your journey. I have left many family members behind on mine. We will meet again  someday in another place. But here they will not hold me back. I will and have moved out of my cell onto truer truths. I encourage you to do the same.

An unexamined life is not worth living. Break out of your cell.....

Love and Light....xxxooo

Monday, April 25, 2011

silly, negative and sad people.

This is a filtered blog to protect sherilyn from the random ugliness that comes in. She does not read your vomitous comments, I do and she never sees them so don't waste your time.

Your ugly comments say all I would never want to know about you......go away lost soul.....

God bless.....

one of her many guardian angels

p.s. sorry to those who are friends of this space but someone tried to attack her...again.

Monday, April 4, 2011

To blog or not to blog.....

Beloved Readers,

I have gotten many inquiries as to why I have stopped writing. Out of thankfulness and respect to people that follow or just read my blog I am answering....

I am working on getting a book deal so that I can share these stories in a deeper and truer way. Much to the dismay of certain aunts in my family, there IS more to come. Here I have only scratched the surface.

So for now, I will not be blogging. That could change in 5 minutes. I give myself the right to change my mind at any point. But for now I am gonna work on a deeper revision of "Who cares if my aunt is Suzi Quatro" and submit it to publishing houses. Not that she will be the center of my story because truly....who cares???!!!! But because it is one that touches deepest my soul, up until now.

I have been doing a lot of seeking and growing in my day to day life. Now I am ready to begin this, the deepest journey of my life to date.

Please say a prayer for me and light a candle. It scares me to do this work and yet it beckons and demands I do it  all at the same.

Thank you for following. Thank you for reading. Whenever I come to your mind, please affirm:
Sherilyn is in process with writing an incredible, deep and true book. It will be a bestseller.

That energy coming to me will help the most.

I do not have the fatal flaw of cowardice. It's time......

All my love,